The Xmas Story: Deadline For Giving
He was born in tumultuous times. An era when beliefs and biology were changing and evolving at a rapid rate. That much was obvious to Jesus H. Poquito at an early age. He also realized at an early age that he loved people. On the other hand people had always eyed Jesus with concern and, while he had many acquaintances, he had no close friends. The reason was clear:
He shared too much
He was far too generous.
This made people nervous and people do not like feeling nervous.
In elementary school the children tormented Jesus H. Poquito. They called him a retard and a freak. Occasionally they would verbally slam the little Poquito with the worst of all possible insults. He remembered well the day that they had first chided him with chants of:
“Your parents never had sex!”
The inference that a person was a clone was the most obnoxious obloquy a man could muster.
“You would burn in hell,” they would holler, “except that you have no soul because your parents never had sex”
But Jesus H. Poquito responded to these taunts the same way he reacted to virtually all stimuli:
He gave flowers.
He gave white sage.
He gave of himself.
His parents were distraught for it seems the young Jesus had begun this perverse behavior in infancy. They feared their child was a mutant.
Some sort of deviant.
An effort was made at a young age to retrain the boy. His indoctrination was much more intense than the training normal children received. Normal children seemed to grasp the custom right away. Normal children seemed to have no problem with the idea that you gave on one and only one day of the year;
That holiest of holidays.
The most sacred of the state-sanctioned, paid days off.
The twenty-four hour period annually set aside to get things.
It was important to get things.
It was the ultimate satisfaction.
People spent their whole lives collecting the things they got at Getmas.
Everyone got good at Getmas.
Supposedly if you got good, you got more.
Then you got glad.
You got to experience the joy of getting.
Legend has it that in ancient times the ones who amassed the most got huge structures built for them to house what they got, so that when they finally got dead, they could be entombed for all eternity with the goods of their getting.
But under no circumstances was one allowed to get before the designated day.
The only acceptable exception was that families without children were allowed to get on Getmas eve.
Jesus H. Poquito was always a bit confused by this tradition.
“Father, to acquire goodies at Getmas means someone has to give, does it not?” the young Poquito innocently inquired.
“Ssshhh,” his father scolded him, “not so loud! Of course someone has to give. But the joy is in the getting! Just think. A whole years worth of acquisition in one day. Ah, Getmas!”
“I would like to give you a hug,” Jesus said to his mother.
“Wait for Getmas!”
I would like to give you this toy sailboat, Daddy. I made it all by myself.”
“Save it for Getmas, boy!”
The Poquito boy was sad, for he loved to give. It felt so good to give! He saw momentary flashes of joy on people’s faces when he gave to them. That is, until they had realized what they had done. Over and over he was chastised for this untimely and indiscriminate giving.
Once, while a teenager, he tried to follow the Getmas tradition to the letter, only to forget one of his aunts until the next day. As soon as he realized the oversight Jesus rushed across town to give her a Getmas gift.
His aunt, as well as his entire family, expressed their extreme displeasure.
“How dare you forget Getmas!” they all screamed at him. “You should be ashamed! How dare you attempt to give to your aunt after the designated day! The tradition is explicit.
Getmas is the deadline for getting!”
As soon as Jesus H. Poquito was old enough he left home. He continued his pattern of unrestrained giving. He espoused a way of life so foreign to most folks that he was ostrasized and even accused of being the devil. His family, humiliated at all the exposure, disowned him. The government harassed him and continually tried to arrest Jesus and his small band of caring converts. The feds were afraid of a drastic loss of revenue should everyday become Getmas. How would they keep track?
Jesus H. Poquito, fearing the feds would silence him and not wanting to cause his family anymore undo hardship, decided to discontinue using his surname and became:
Along with a handful of followers, Jesus X traveled the country and preached a gospel of unselfishness. Everywhere they went they brought gifts. And everyday they endured horrible prejudice. This adversity cemented the resolve of a few. Others became dismayed and departed. A few of these reformed givers got rich by publicizing to the general public the inside story of the life of the dissident Jesus X.
And yet, Jesus X continued to give.
He gave flowers.
He gave white sage.
He gave of himself.
He gave everyday, including Getmas eve and Getmas morning.
One day some of the ex Jesus Xmen concocted a scheme to lure the much loathed Jesus X to their home and do away with him. They would rid the world of this continual contributor and get rich from telling the story of his demise.
On that fateful spring day Jesus X approached the isolated ranch where he had been summoned under false pretenses. He was happy when the occupants opened the door and he recognized them as former followers. The ex Xmen, supplementing their income with the illegal manufacture of methamphetamine, were wired to the gills on their own product and also heavily armed. They directed Jesus X to the rear of their makeshift laboratory where upon they beat him soundly and then drowned him in a fifty-gallon drum of the flammable solvent commonly used in the creation of the crystalline stimulant. Jesus X died a speedy death.
For ridding the world of this nuisance the exterminators of Jesus X got riches and fame beyond their wildest dreams. And they even received their rewards immediately rather than having to wait for Getmas!
In fact, the whole nation was rewarded, for in honor of the dead givers demise a new state sanctioned, paid day off has been implemented. It is a time set aside to be grateful and to remember the day the chemical vapors rose from the dead Jesus X. On this holiday it is right and proper to return to the recipients of your Getmas giving and repossess all that you gave. This day has been named in honor of the now sacred solvent commonly used in the manufacture of methamphetamine. That light, flammable substance with anesthetic properties that was used to drown Jesus X.
Today is the day. So be advised. I am on my way over right now to take back everything I have ever given you.
copyright © 1999-2015 Stephen Paul Ellington all rights reserved